Making the perfect coffee is like going to heaven and stealing a cloud! I know you can't drink a cloud, but just imagine what a cloud could taste like! For me it would taste like a perfect cup of coffee. No, wait, that is cotton candy. Cotton Candy tastes like a cloud...
CUT
Oh dear, you know I couldn't sleep last night and then there was the storm that made me late this morning, so I never really had a chance to write out what I was going to say, and I don't even really like coffee anyway. You want me to just read the back of the can? OK.
ACTION
Thank you for tuning in, The best part of waking up is......
CUT
What? I thought that was really good, I was starting to get into it. Should I have swished my hips more, or maybe I could sing the directions I really have quite a lovely voice. La la la la aaaaa! You want me to just do it from the heart? Ok then I will...ok.
ACTION
Today we are going to make the Perfect Cup of Coffee. You'll woo that man right out bed if you make the coffee strong enough. Then maybe he will actually fix the dishwasher, or change the oil in the car or walk the dog once you put the right amount of perk in his Joe. And if that doesn't work you can always "accidentally" spray the oven cleaner in the coffee beans while you're brewing. If you are going to do this second step it is best to have a big, strong, young man nearby to help you hide the body...err...coffee grinds.
END
WHERE DO YOU WANT YOUR COFFEE by Lamommasita
"I make coffee for me family and friends. I need to tell you dat I is of German decent so you now know dat it will be da best coffee you ever drink. No need to add all dat crap da English do dat ruin da rich roast. If you start with da best you will end with da best.
Now I begin....
You start with a stainless steel coffee pot made in northern Germany that holds exactly 1.2 liters of fresh, clean, pure water.
Don't put water in the pot yet, did I say anything about putting da water in pot? NO! Put it down now! Dat is not where you find it, put it here! aaah! First you must have a 816.47 grams of coffee beans. Since Germany doesn't have the climate to grow coffee we must import from other place and we will rework it to bring it up to our standards.
Use a coffee grinder only made in the Dutchland since other ones don't grind worth a shit. Well day may grind dat but then coffee will taste like it too. Grind all da beans at once. If da damn thing jams from too much beans, just pick it up and slam it down on cement floor and it will be ready to grind some more.
Put in the perfectly ground coffee beans into top of percolator ring and hold with left hand. Now add the pure water only from German mountain streams to the stainless steel coffee pot up to da line dat says 1.1 liters. It will be marked on da inside and on da outside and in ten other places on da stainless steel coffee pot."
"I make coffee for me family and friends. I need to tell you dat I is of German decent so you now know dat it will be da best coffee you ever drink. No need to add all dat crap da English do dat ruin da rich roast. If you start with da best you will end with da best.
Now I begin....
You start with a stainless steel coffee pot made in northern Germany that holds exactly 1.2 liters of fresh, clean, pure water.
Don't put water in the pot yet, did I say anything about putting da water in pot? NO! Put it down now! Dat is not where you find it, put it here! aaah! First you must have a 816.47 grams of coffee beans. Since Germany doesn't have the climate to grow coffee we must import from other place and we will rework it to bring it up to our standards.
Use a coffee grinder only made in the Dutchland since other ones don't grind worth a shit. Well day may grind dat but then coffee will taste like it too. Grind all da beans at once. If da damn thing jams from too much beans, just pick it up and slam it down on cement floor and it will be ready to grind some more.
Put in the perfectly ground coffee beans into top of percolator ring and hold with left hand. Now add the pure water only from German mountain streams to the stainless steel coffee pot up to da line dat says 1.1 liters. It will be marked on da inside and on da outside and in ten other places on da stainless steel coffee pot."
EXCUSE ME HILDA, THE CAMERA MAN WANTS TO GET A PICTURE OF YOU WORKING.
"Ahh, okay.
Now I start again. Now where was I? Oh I puts the clear water in the steeless steel pot and den you sprinkle over the perfectly ground coffee beans a .23 gram of white ground salt. Remember to purchase only the best. You can tell tis da best, it is da most expensive salt. Why da hell does I needs so many freaking people in my kitchen whens I try to makes coffee ? Gets da hell out of here I will do it meself. I can shot photos, I have better camera & lighting. Better yet just go home yous don't deserve any of dis you bunch of free loading tea drinking pansies pigs!"
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