Rewrite Snow White from Bashful, one of the seven dwarves' perspective

Fairytale Ending By Curlyfro

"Wowsers" Bashful thought as all seven dwarfs stood at the end of their California king size bed. She could be the fairest in the land, even if she was at the moment drooling on his pillow. Sleepy had found her when he went to take his 5:30 nap and was in the process of climbing up with her to fall asleep as well. Grumpy on the other hand was already pissing and moaning about the dirt she had clobbered off her shoes and left all over the house. "And look at her blasted dress!" he exclaimed making her stir. Happy informed them that it was "just leaves and grass, it'l warsh right off!" just then Sneezy coughed, startling the girl awake. Mistaking the seven little men for goblins, which happened frequently, she screamed. Happy was left to get the explanation on why she had wandered into their house and was sleeping on their bed as the others filed out of the room. All but Sleepy of course, who had already fallen asleep.
Around the kitchen table Bashful talked about how the same thing had happened last week to those three bears that lived in Timberland. "I heard she slept with all three bears!" he whispered while rubbing his hands together. "She was drooling on my pillow, so that means she likes me most!" Sneezy was downing his fourth bottle of wild turkey while thinking what a stroke of luck it was to have a woman in the house, she could keep his liqueur cabinet stocked and cook, wash the dishes, wash the clothes, and roll his smokes. With that he burped, then hiccuped twice and fell off the chair. Grumpy caught the bottle before it hit the floor and ranted about what filthy slobs his brothers were. Doc suddenly came to the conclusion that they could hold her for ransom and use the money to...and there he paused and looked around worriedly. "Use it at horse track?" Dopey inquired innocently before going into a sneezing fit and rubbing his eyes. As if called, Tucker, their long haired tom cat, hoped into Dopey's lap sending him into another sneezing fit. Bashful had slipped to his anatomy book collection and went straight to the well thumbed page. "Wowsers" he mumbled again thinking the penny he had thrown into the town fountain every week since he was 15 had finally paid off. He must have become handsome overnight to win such a prize!
Ten minutes later Bashful leaped up and scurried to the bedroom. "Happy, let's make her feel at home and have her take a shower, she can borrow some of my pajamas, and we'll wash her clothes, I can wash her hair, powder her back and shave her legs!" Snow White, as Happy had learned her name, looked appallingly at Bashful and claimed she really must be off. "Oh no ya don't my sweet!" Happy now declared louder than necessary since his medication was wearing off. "You'll be working off the damage ye done to our house in our absence!" Snow White was oblivious to what damage she had done, seeing that she had just come in to get warm and take a nap. Bashful returned with his footie pajamas and escorted Snow White into the bathroom. After 10 minutes of screaming and thrashing bashful scrambled out with a black eye and decided he would be armed with Happy's medication when he met her in the morning.
So began Snow White's imprisonment with the seven dwarfs. Occasionally in the next four months one of the Dwarfs would see something on America's most wanted about an elderly lady, who looked a lot like Cruella De Vil, wanted for the murder of a Snow White whose picture would then flash up on the screen. Or there would be an article on the online news about a body found that was claimed to be Snow White's. Doc spent most of his days scheming on how to get the most cold hard cash out of Snow White. He already had her making toys for Santa's elves on the black market in between making calls for telemarketing. She hadn't quite gotten the accent down, but she was bringing in enough to support both Sneezy and Doc's addictions. It was around this time that Dopey and Happy were getting prescriptions filled, for Benadryl and Zoloft (Happy didn't know how his bottle was always empty these days) that Grumpy had seen the most perfect red apples and grabbed one while paying for the prescriptions. When asked what they were for Grumpy had cheerily replied with "an apple a day keeps the doc away!". Doc was by far the dirtiest brother and since his gambling debt was paid off and he didn't have to fear debt collectors, he was spending more time at home on the computer playing online poker.
Grumpy's good mood lasted exactly 14 minutes, until he got home and found Snow White sick in the bathroom. When questioned how long she had been sick Bashful claimed ignorance, but everyone could see, well except for Sleepy who didn't see much beyond his eyelids, she had been gaining weight. The thought of little ones messing up the house was the last straw for Grumpy. He simply packed a bag and left. Surprisingly Doc followed him out the door shortly after he printed something from the Internet.
Doc waited until Grumpy got into town to pull him into the bar and explain his scheme. Doc had been researching surrogate mothers and planned to have Snow White bring in a little more income. They both went home happy once again, until they found Snow White out cold in the kitchen. Each brother had a different fear going through his head. Bashful thought he had overdosed her on Zoloft and was toying with the idea of calling a taxadermist. Dopey thought maybe she was allergic to the cat and finally her heart gave out. Sneezy assumed she had been trying out his beverages and had liver failure. Happy thought she had committed suicide and Doc thought she was just trying to get out of work. Grumpy was the only one who noticed the apple he had bought earlier under the cabinet with a bite out of it.
Summer turned to winter when finally Bashful declared he thought Snow White needed the midwife. The midwife was sent for and another unknown guest arrived bringing a bassinet. The baby was born uneventfully for all but the scheming pair, who were counting their coins. The baby was cleaned up and the guest was handed her purchase, but surprised them all by asking to stay the night. She claimed she couldn't start out into the cold night with such a new baby. Grumbling, the dwarfs agreed but charged her an outrageous price for the one bed.
Snow White had been unconscious on the bedroom floor since the apple incident and everyone but Bashful thought it was time to get rid of the body, so the next day she was going to be dumped in the woods. Wouldn't you know it, the guest was the Queen, now really the fariest of them all since Snow White had gained weight and was now addicted to Zoloft, whose side effects may include diarea, insomnia, and nausea. The Queen woke Snow White up with some spirit of hartshorn, which could be fatal if used for prolonged periods, and they snuck off into the night. Snow White thinking she was escaping, the Queen thinking free LEGAL labor! Two months down the road we will find Snow White, going by the name Cinderella, with bleached hair and glass slippers going to a ball.