To whom it may concern,
I am most terribly sorry but I will not be coming to work today. I lost a tooth, and not just any tooth, but the top front one, while eating corn on the cob last night at my niece's birthday party, and then promptly swallowed it. The Dentist told me I must find it in order to fix this gap that my tongue keeps flicking out of (spraying people, it is simply dreadful). Since my teeth are so large and stained, you know I was down to five cups of coffee a day, he is insisting he must have the original tooth. I would love to make up my hours at another time, possibly after the big project is completed, approved, and implemented and will be smiling in no time. The dentist claims no one will ever know my tooth had fallen out, so if you can't tell, that is why! What technology and a wonderful dentist can do!
P.S. Please don't call, I won't be available to pick up the phone since I will be playing archaeologist and if you drop by I will expect you to at least help in the big dig!
SO WHERE IS PEGGY? BY LAMOMMASITA
"Hello, Good Morning this is aaah Peggy. I will..."
"Our office hours are 8:30 am. until 5:30 pm weekdays and we are closed on weekends." the answering machine continued. "Please call back during office hours. Thank you for calling." Followed by the dial tone.
"Oh shoot I finally got up enough nerve and then no one answers. It's eight forty-five someone should be there by now. Sharon why aren't you there? Why isn't someone there? I couldn't sleep last night worrying how I was going to deliver this so it sounded real. Oh this waiting is killing me. It's shredding my confidence."
"I should just go into work. This isn't worth it. I could lose my job from lying. What if someone calls me later today to check on me. OMG I feel like I'm getting sick. I can't get sick I promised Aunt Susie I would go to that awesome, three day flea market with her in Indiana. Okay, okay calm down...I can do this. I've got time I must pull myself together. Just review the excuse and make it sound believable."
"What time is it? What... it's still eight forty-five? It can't be...hasn't it been at least ten minutes ago when I last looked at the clock? OMG I'm talking to myself. I've become a raving maniac."
"Just take a sip of tea. It will calm your nerves. That's what chai always does for you. Now breathe in slowly and release. One more time, breathe in anndd release. Just remember to stop with the first lie. Don't keep adding things to make it believable. Just S T O P talking and you will be fine."
"I'm ready, I can do this."
"Come on fingers please do this for me. I promise I will take you to Fashion Nails for a manicure next payday, I promise!"
"It's ringing.....two rings....please, please....three!"
"Good morning this is Lyer, Fibbs, & Purjur Law office, this is Sharon speaking how may I direct your call? Sharon addressed the phone very pleasant and professional.
"Hey there Sharon this is Peggy. (Crap, I must sound ill...not chipper....stupid, stupid,stupid you're going to ruin this.")
"Hello, I'm sorry I didn't hear you, we must have a bad connection. Would you please repeat your name?" Sharon apologized.
("Oh Sharon you are a dream come true.") "Hi Sharon this is Peg gee. I had a horrible accident and can't make it to work. I must have several x-rays done today with lab work and tests; who knows how long that will take but hopefully I will be better on Monday and if not I will call you if I'm able. See I was doing the wash last night with an old wringer washer and I put too much in the rollers, the top popped off from the clogged towels and when I pushed the top back down I must have been standing too close and got my...well I'm not sure how to tell you but one of my right ones... well I only have one right one but it got caught in the wringer and the top wouldn't pop and just kept taking me in all the way up to my underarm. I had to yank the plug on the washer out of the wall with my foot to stop it. Oh and since I wear an underwire the wire got caught in the roller mechanism which caused it to break in two under my right boob which punctured it. Not the roller or my breast...it punctured my bra. I noticed this morning that it still hasn't gone back to it's normal shape, no not the roller or the bra but my boob. It's as flat as a blueberry pancake from all the bruising and hangs to my belly button. I also noticed when I took my shower this morning there appears to be a lump in between my two girls. Yes I call them my girls. Their names are Bobbi and Swayin. I think maybe the roller pushed some of my right one up there in the middle. I don't know how to gather my right one up to put it in my bra, should I roll it on a crayon or start with my bra at my waist and try to bunch it up. And then what do I do with the middle one? Do you think a sports bra would be able to handle it? Sharon are you there? Are those voices I hear? OMG you didn't! Please tell me you didn't?"
A chorus of voices said, "Oh Peggy....get well soon. We can't wait to see you and the triplets on Monday." Which was followed by earsplitting laughter.
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