Friday, August 13, 2010
Start a story with the character going through their phone messages and then stops on the third message...
Richard was dozing on the couch when Roberta finally finished creating her geocaching route for the day. "It would go so much faster if I didn't have to solve those mathematical puzzle nightmares" she complained waking Richard with a start. "Are you ready to go? Were you sleeping with your shoes on the davenport? Oh never mind, let's just go before all the good trackables are taken" She threw back the coffee Richie had made her, now cold and slipped on her Crocs.
Backing out of the driveway Roberta realized she had forgotten her route map and scrambled, with all the grace she could muster, out of the smart car. At the front door she spied her keys on the counter in the kitchen. Knowing it was going to be a bad day she decided to plow ahead anyway because she really wanted the geocoin in one of the caches. "Richie dear" she shouted back at the car "could you come open the door for me?"
Richard never dreamed this is what life had in store for him. He fought in Vietnam came back a hero and worked the next thirty years as a General in the Marines. Sure life had thrown him curve balls, he had come back from the war to find his high school sweetheart had married, he had terrible nightmares, but he got on with his life...until last fall. He had met Roberta at a close chess buddy's funeral. He found her lively (which turned to bossy) and interesting, (which became too talkative). Looking back over the last few months he realized he was mostly taken by her vulnerability. She lived in an old farmhouse that was settling back into the earth and needed someone to take care of her. Having just lost his closest friend and having trouble getting used to being simply ordinary he decided to give marriage a try. Now he viewed himself as a blue collar, chauffeuring Roberta from one pine tree to the next so she could dig around for junk. He had to stop his travels after marriage, Roberta was content to stay at home knitting things no one wanted and sending her travel termites, or whatever she called them out into the world. She spent her life with the computer, not him. Not exactly the life he had in mind. He was neither needed nor valued and starved for adventure. Clambering out of the car he unlocked the door and waited while Roberta flitted about the house looking for her lost list. She came bustling back with the list "Oh I hope we make good time, I want to be at the Hamfield Mall before school lets out."
Nearly an hour later and 20 miles down the road Roberta had logged 10 finds, 2 no finds and had exchanged one small cooler full of toys for another full of, well junk. Richard was already exhausted, hot, and hungry, but Roberta was just getting started. While Richard was pulling back onto the road Roberta let out a yelp and tossed a spider out the window. Richard swerved almost clipping a motorcyclist who in turn gave him the finger yelling something about a cod sucker? Odd time to be talking fishing, but Richard let out his frustrations on Roberta, grabbing her list and driving home after throwing it out the window. Roberta sat stunned.
**
Stephen Bale, now known as Edward Stoltzfus, woke when the vehicle turned off the pavement onto a dirt road. It was completely dark when they pulled up to what was to be his home. it looked pretty much as he had planned, a white farm house in the middle of nowhere. "Your nearest neighbors will be the Hochstetlers, who live over there about a mile, you'll see the house in the morning" the deputy searched for something to say. "It won't be an easy life, but disappearing never is...want us to help with your bags or anything?" Stephen now Edward said "nah, but let me make sure this key works 'for you go, I don't want to be sleeping with the neighbors, well not yet at least." "Son" the deputy barked " these are respectable people and that kind of humor will get you in trouble...with me, so I better not hear any complaints about you. Leave them alone and they'll do the same. Goodnight". Before Ed had a chance to put the key in the door the deputy's car had turned around leaving him in the dark. Having been in special ops before this whole deal, he got in the house by punching through the window. Once in he found the place to be empty. Oh, there was a table and some chairs, but the spot where the big screen should be was barren, and there were no lines for the Internet. He figured he would deal with the shock in the morning and headed up the stairs with his two duffles. The only furniture on the second floor was a bed, no sheets, no clocks. This wasn't the Motel 6 or his Grannies house, but he was alive and given a chance to start over with a measly $500 in the bank. He took off his black cowboy boots and fell fitfully asleep on the cold lumpy bed.
**
Roberta decided to give Richard the silent treatment. She was unconcerned about his anger, he was always angry these days, but that list!! It took her all yesterday evening and this morning to compose. Some things were just impossible to replace. she tried to jot down as much as she could remember.
Richard took the opportunity of Roberta's pouting to play solitaire on the computer, it wasn't often he got the computer AND silence. He should learn from their afternoon and reenact it more often, without the motorcyclist of course. In between games an advertisement for a vintage car show came up. He had never really been interested in vintage cars, or any car for that matter, but he thought it sounded like a nice trip. It could be made in a day, but if he played his cards right he could get Roberta to stay at the casino, they showed pictures of a stunning buffet. This afternoon had cleared his head and suddenly he knew what he had to do. If he won the next game he would go by himself and maybe leave her, if he lost he would make her go with him. He lost.
Roberta was just getting ready to give up when Richie started into the kitchen "Listen here Roberta, I married someone to be my companion and not my boss and we are going to go away for the weekend, and we are going to a vintage car show and we are spending the night, maybe two, at the casino and I don't want to hear nothing more about it! I expect you to be packed and ready to go by 9am Friday morning, that gives you three and a half days to get packed and cancel your plans!" He then stood there waiting for the whining, or at least that frowny face that made her look like a troll, but got neither. Finally she found her voice "OK Richie if that's what you want to do, you don't like this treasure hunt stuff much do you?" Feeling himself melting a little he let himself be truthful "I don't much see the point of it! Toting this junk here, moving this crap there, all the while being sneaky- you're not a boy scout Roberta! It's just plain ridiculous!!" She looked like she was going to cry but said "will you make the reservations then?" As he turned to leave she added "You know I just get so fidgety, it gave me something to do, something to look forward to everyday...it was a goal for me. You have all your medals and buddies, but I don't have anything to look back at, no one will remember me..." he didn't respond but cleared his throat and moved out of the room that was now becoming uncomfortable. It wasn't until he got back on the computer that he realised all that just occurred. They had just talked more in the last minute then they had for their entire marriage. Maybe this weekend could be a sort of starting over for them. In fact, he would make reservations for dinner tonight at that little salad place Roberta always mentioned wanting to try. He sat down with a misson and felt a little like his old self.
**
Edward woke with a start a little before dawn. Laying with every muscle tensed he couldn't figure out what had awaken him. There was no way he could have been found that quickly, he was off the grid and had spoke to a single person in the past 24 hours. Then he heard the noise again. It was coming from downstairs, movement, a rustling. Grabbing for his colt, then realizing he didn't have it (part of the relocation agreement) grabbed his boot instead. He could wreck havoc with his steel toed boot if necessary. Ever so slowly he inched off the bed and started down the hall. He heard chatter once he got to the stairs, almost like children's voices. That's just what he needed on his first day of his new life, to strike a child dead with his boot. The chatter didn't start back up, but the movement did. He ever so quietly placed his foot on the first step, which groaned, then the second, which creaked. Cursing he then went for it and slid down the banister to turn and stare straight into the eyes of his attacker. The attacker reared up in surprise alerting the other who appeared by the back door, which was swinging open. Confirming that Edward was not a man to be messed with both raccoons scurried out into the night through the door he evidently never shut completely last night. "Bandits" He grumbled once his heart stopped racing. He decided he was up for the day and might as well start with a cup of coffee. Then he remembered he had no coffee, no coffee pot, and certainly no electricity to plug a pot into. Thinking about how long $500 would last he decided to go to a tourist trap and eat breakfast, after a shower and shave.
Standing in the bedroom going through the clothes he packed, he was told to pack inconspicuous clothing, he couldn't decide between the blue plaid or the t-shirt that read "I'm with stupid". Now that he was here he realized "I'm with stupid" may have been a bad choice. He lugged his black cargo pants and blue plaid around the second floor twice before he decided the bath must be on the first floor. A thorough search through the whole house including the cellar revealed no bathroom. He stood at the back door to relieve himself and decided he too would have to go primitive and use the pump in the kitchen to pump water and heat it on the stove. However, he couldn't find a pot nor a stove. "Welcome to hell" he shouted at the empty wall before going into hysterics, " I should have just let them kill me" he said quieter.
Ten minutes later he was walking up the road in the direction he hoped was town. "Guten Morgen" someone shouted from out of the gloomy dawn. He stopped, but didn't see anyone so began moving again slower and quieter. "What are you on about there sir?" this time he could see a shadow forming and instinctively reached for his empty belt. He was just about to bend down for his boot, thinking how inconvenient this was going to be, when the figure took the shape of a man in a funny hat. "Eh, you must be the neighbor then?! Welcome, Welcome" he said enthusiastically mistaking Steve's maneuver as friendly. "That's quite an interesting shirt you've got on there."
Backing out of the driveway Roberta realized she had forgotten her route map and scrambled, with all the grace she could muster, out of the smart car. At the front door she spied her keys on the counter in the kitchen. Knowing it was going to be a bad day she decided to plow ahead anyway because she really wanted the geocoin in one of the caches. "Richie dear" she shouted back at the car "could you come open the door for me?"
Richard never dreamed this is what life had in store for him. He fought in Vietnam came back a hero and worked the next thirty years as a General in the Marines. Sure life had thrown him curve balls, he had come back from the war to find his high school sweetheart had married, he had terrible nightmares, but he got on with his life...until last fall. He had met Roberta at a close chess buddy's funeral. He found her lively (which turned to bossy) and interesting, (which became too talkative). Looking back over the last few months he realized he was mostly taken by her vulnerability. She lived in an old farmhouse that was settling back into the earth and needed someone to take care of her. Having just lost his closest friend and having trouble getting used to being simply ordinary he decided to give marriage a try. Now he viewed himself as a blue collar, chauffeuring Roberta from one pine tree to the next so she could dig around for junk. He had to stop his travels after marriage, Roberta was content to stay at home knitting things no one wanted and sending her travel termites, or whatever she called them out into the world. She spent her life with the computer, not him. Not exactly the life he had in mind. He was neither needed nor valued and starved for adventure. Clambering out of the car he unlocked the door and waited while Roberta flitted about the house looking for her lost list. She came bustling back with the list "Oh I hope we make good time, I want to be at the Hamfield Mall before school lets out."
Nearly an hour later and 20 miles down the road Roberta had logged 10 finds, 2 no finds and had exchanged one small cooler full of toys for another full of, well junk. Richard was already exhausted, hot, and hungry, but Roberta was just getting started. While Richard was pulling back onto the road Roberta let out a yelp and tossed a spider out the window. Richard swerved almost clipping a motorcyclist who in turn gave him the finger yelling something about a cod sucker? Odd time to be talking fishing, but Richard let out his frustrations on Roberta, grabbing her list and driving home after throwing it out the window. Roberta sat stunned.
**
Stephen Bale, now known as Edward Stoltzfus, woke when the vehicle turned off the pavement onto a dirt road. It was completely dark when they pulled up to what was to be his home. it looked pretty much as he had planned, a white farm house in the middle of nowhere. "Your nearest neighbors will be the Hochstetlers, who live over there about a mile, you'll see the house in the morning" the deputy searched for something to say. "It won't be an easy life, but disappearing never is...want us to help with your bags or anything?" Stephen now Edward said "nah, but let me make sure this key works 'for you go, I don't want to be sleeping with the neighbors, well not yet at least." "Son" the deputy barked " these are respectable people and that kind of humor will get you in trouble...with me, so I better not hear any complaints about you. Leave them alone and they'll do the same. Goodnight". Before Ed had a chance to put the key in the door the deputy's car had turned around leaving him in the dark. Having been in special ops before this whole deal, he got in the house by punching through the window. Once in he found the place to be empty. Oh, there was a table and some chairs, but the spot where the big screen should be was barren, and there were no lines for the Internet. He figured he would deal with the shock in the morning and headed up the stairs with his two duffles. The only furniture on the second floor was a bed, no sheets, no clocks. This wasn't the Motel 6 or his Grannies house, but he was alive and given a chance to start over with a measly $500 in the bank. He took off his black cowboy boots and fell fitfully asleep on the cold lumpy bed.
**
Roberta decided to give Richard the silent treatment. She was unconcerned about his anger, he was always angry these days, but that list!! It took her all yesterday evening and this morning to compose. Some things were just impossible to replace. she tried to jot down as much as she could remember.
Richard took the opportunity of Roberta's pouting to play solitaire on the computer, it wasn't often he got the computer AND silence. He should learn from their afternoon and reenact it more often, without the motorcyclist of course. In between games an advertisement for a vintage car show came up. He had never really been interested in vintage cars, or any car for that matter, but he thought it sounded like a nice trip. It could be made in a day, but if he played his cards right he could get Roberta to stay at the casino, they showed pictures of a stunning buffet. This afternoon had cleared his head and suddenly he knew what he had to do. If he won the next game he would go by himself and maybe leave her, if he lost he would make her go with him. He lost.
Roberta was just getting ready to give up when Richie started into the kitchen "Listen here Roberta, I married someone to be my companion and not my boss and we are going to go away for the weekend, and we are going to a vintage car show and we are spending the night, maybe two, at the casino and I don't want to hear nothing more about it! I expect you to be packed and ready to go by 9am Friday morning, that gives you three and a half days to get packed and cancel your plans!" He then stood there waiting for the whining, or at least that frowny face that made her look like a troll, but got neither. Finally she found her voice "OK Richie if that's what you want to do, you don't like this treasure hunt stuff much do you?" Feeling himself melting a little he let himself be truthful "I don't much see the point of it! Toting this junk here, moving this crap there, all the while being sneaky- you're not a boy scout Roberta! It's just plain ridiculous!!" She looked like she was going to cry but said "will you make the reservations then?" As he turned to leave she added "You know I just get so fidgety, it gave me something to do, something to look forward to everyday...it was a goal for me. You have all your medals and buddies, but I don't have anything to look back at, no one will remember me..." he didn't respond but cleared his throat and moved out of the room that was now becoming uncomfortable. It wasn't until he got back on the computer that he realised all that just occurred. They had just talked more in the last minute then they had for their entire marriage. Maybe this weekend could be a sort of starting over for them. In fact, he would make reservations for dinner tonight at that little salad place Roberta always mentioned wanting to try. He sat down with a misson and felt a little like his old self.
**
Edward woke with a start a little before dawn. Laying with every muscle tensed he couldn't figure out what had awaken him. There was no way he could have been found that quickly, he was off the grid and had spoke to a single person in the past 24 hours. Then he heard the noise again. It was coming from downstairs, movement, a rustling. Grabbing for his colt, then realizing he didn't have it (part of the relocation agreement) grabbed his boot instead. He could wreck havoc with his steel toed boot if necessary. Ever so slowly he inched off the bed and started down the hall. He heard chatter once he got to the stairs, almost like children's voices. That's just what he needed on his first day of his new life, to strike a child dead with his boot. The chatter didn't start back up, but the movement did. He ever so quietly placed his foot on the first step, which groaned, then the second, which creaked. Cursing he then went for it and slid down the banister to turn and stare straight into the eyes of his attacker. The attacker reared up in surprise alerting the other who appeared by the back door, which was swinging open. Confirming that Edward was not a man to be messed with both raccoons scurried out into the night through the door he evidently never shut completely last night. "Bandits" He grumbled once his heart stopped racing. He decided he was up for the day and might as well start with a cup of coffee. Then he remembered he had no coffee, no coffee pot, and certainly no electricity to plug a pot into. Thinking about how long $500 would last he decided to go to a tourist trap and eat breakfast, after a shower and shave.
Standing in the bedroom going through the clothes he packed, he was told to pack inconspicuous clothing, he couldn't decide between the blue plaid or the t-shirt that read "I'm with stupid". Now that he was here he realized "I'm with stupid" may have been a bad choice. He lugged his black cargo pants and blue plaid around the second floor twice before he decided the bath must be on the first floor. A thorough search through the whole house including the cellar revealed no bathroom. He stood at the back door to relieve himself and decided he too would have to go primitive and use the pump in the kitchen to pump water and heat it on the stove. However, he couldn't find a pot nor a stove. "Welcome to hell" he shouted at the empty wall before going into hysterics, " I should have just let them kill me" he said quieter.
Ten minutes later he was walking up the road in the direction he hoped was town. "Guten Morgen" someone shouted from out of the gloomy dawn. He stopped, but didn't see anyone so began moving again slower and quieter. "What are you on about there sir?" this time he could see a shadow forming and instinctively reached for his empty belt. He was just about to bend down for his boot, thinking how inconvenient this was going to be, when the figure took the shape of a man in a funny hat. "Eh, you must be the neighbor then?! Welcome, Welcome" he said enthusiastically mistaking Steve's maneuver as friendly. "That's quite an interesting shirt you've got on there."
Write an excuse for not working today.
Most Horribly Sorry By: Curlyfro
To whom it may concern,
I am most terribly sorry but I will not be coming to work today. I lost a tooth, and not just any tooth, but the top front one, while eating corn on the cob last night at my niece's birthday party, and then promptly swallowed it. The Dentist told me I must find it in order to fix this gap that my tongue keeps flicking out of (spraying people, it is simply dreadful). Since my teeth are so large and stained, you know I was down to five cups of coffee a day, he is insisting he must have the original tooth. I would love to make up my hours at another time, possibly after the big project is completed, approved, and implemented and will be smiling in no time. The dentist claims no one will ever know my tooth had fallen out, so if you can't tell, that is why! What technology and a wonderful dentist can do!
P.S. Please don't call, I won't be available to pick up the phone since I will be playing archaeologist and if you drop by I will expect you to at least help in the big dig!
"Good Morning this is Sharon." the voice said at the other end of the phone.
"Hello, Good Morning this is aaah Peggy. I will..."
"Our office hours are 8:30 am. until 5:30 pm weekdays and we are closed on weekends." the answering machine continued. "Please call back during office hours. Thank you for calling." Followed by the dial tone.
"Oh shoot I finally got up enough nerve and then no one answers. It's eight forty-five someone should be there by now. Sharon why aren't you there? Why isn't someone there? I couldn't sleep last night worrying how I was going to deliver this so it sounded real. Oh this waiting is killing me. It's shredding my confidence."
"I should just go into work. This isn't worth it. I could lose my job from lying. What if someone calls me later today to check on me. OMG I feel like I'm getting sick. I can't get sick I promised Aunt Susie I would go to that awesome, three day flea market with her in Indiana. Okay, okay calm down...I can do this. I've got time I must pull myself together. Just review the excuse and make it sound believable."
"What time is it? What... it's still eight forty-five? It can't be...hasn't it been at least ten minutes ago when I last looked at the clock? OMG I'm talking to myself. I've become a raving maniac."
"Just take a sip of tea. It will calm your nerves. That's what chai always does for you. Now breathe in slowly and release. One more time, breathe in anndd release. Just remember to stop with the first lie. Don't keep adding things to make it believable. Just S T O P talking and you will be fine."
"I'm ready, I can do this."
"Come on fingers please do this for me. I promise I will take you to Fashion Nails for a manicure next payday, I promise!"
"It's ringing.....two rings....please, please....three!"
"Good morning this is Lyer, Fibbs, & Purjur Law office, this is Sharon speaking how may I direct your call? Sharon addressed the phone very pleasant and professional.
"Hey there Sharon this is Peggy. (Crap, I must sound ill...not chipper....stupid, stupid,stupid you're going to ruin this.")
"Hello, I'm sorry I didn't hear you, we must have a bad connection. Would you please repeat your name?" Sharon apologized.
("Oh Sharon you are a dream come true.") "Hi Sharon this is Peg gee. I had a horrible accident and can't make it to work. I must have several x-rays done today with lab work and tests; who knows how long that will take but hopefully I will be better on Monday and if not I will call you if I'm able. See I was doing the wash last night with an old wringer washer and I put too much in the rollers, the top popped off from the clogged towels and when I pushed the top back down I must have been standing too close and got my...well I'm not sure how to tell you but one of my right ones... well I only have one right one but it got caught in the wringer and the top wouldn't pop and just kept taking me in all the way up to my underarm. I had to yank the plug on the washer out of the wall with my foot to stop it. Oh and since I wear an underwire the wire got caught in the roller mechanism which caused it to break in two under my right boob which punctured it. Not the roller or my breast...it punctured my bra. I noticed this morning that it still hasn't gone back to it's normal shape, no not the roller or the bra but my boob. It's as flat as a blueberry pancake from all the bruising and hangs to my belly button. I also noticed when I took my shower this morning there appears to be a lump in between my two girls. Yes I call them my girls. Their names are Bobbi and Swayin. I think maybe the roller pushed some of my right one up there in the middle. I don't know how to gather my right one up to put it in my bra, should I roll it on a crayon or start with my bra at my waist and try to bunch it up. And then what do I do with the middle one? Do you think a sports bra would be able to handle it? Sharon are you there? Are those voices I hear? OMG you didn't! Please tell me you didn't?"
A chorus of voices said, "Oh Peggy....get well soon. We can't wait to see you and the triplets on Monday." Which was followed by earsplitting laughter.
To whom it may concern,
I am most terribly sorry but I will not be coming to work today. I lost a tooth, and not just any tooth, but the top front one, while eating corn on the cob last night at my niece's birthday party, and then promptly swallowed it. The Dentist told me I must find it in order to fix this gap that my tongue keeps flicking out of (spraying people, it is simply dreadful). Since my teeth are so large and stained, you know I was down to five cups of coffee a day, he is insisting he must have the original tooth. I would love to make up my hours at another time, possibly after the big project is completed, approved, and implemented and will be smiling in no time. The dentist claims no one will ever know my tooth had fallen out, so if you can't tell, that is why! What technology and a wonderful dentist can do!
P.S. Please don't call, I won't be available to pick up the phone since I will be playing archaeologist and if you drop by I will expect you to at least help in the big dig!
SO WHERE IS PEGGY? BY LAMOMMASITA
"Hello, Good Morning this is aaah Peggy. I will..."
"Our office hours are 8:30 am. until 5:30 pm weekdays and we are closed on weekends." the answering machine continued. "Please call back during office hours. Thank you for calling." Followed by the dial tone.
"Oh shoot I finally got up enough nerve and then no one answers. It's eight forty-five someone should be there by now. Sharon why aren't you there? Why isn't someone there? I couldn't sleep last night worrying how I was going to deliver this so it sounded real. Oh this waiting is killing me. It's shredding my confidence."
"I should just go into work. This isn't worth it. I could lose my job from lying. What if someone calls me later today to check on me. OMG I feel like I'm getting sick. I can't get sick I promised Aunt Susie I would go to that awesome, three day flea market with her in Indiana. Okay, okay calm down...I can do this. I've got time I must pull myself together. Just review the excuse and make it sound believable."
"What time is it? What... it's still eight forty-five? It can't be...hasn't it been at least ten minutes ago when I last looked at the clock? OMG I'm talking to myself. I've become a raving maniac."
"Just take a sip of tea. It will calm your nerves. That's what chai always does for you. Now breathe in slowly and release. One more time, breathe in anndd release. Just remember to stop with the first lie. Don't keep adding things to make it believable. Just S T O P talking and you will be fine."
"I'm ready, I can do this."
"Come on fingers please do this for me. I promise I will take you to Fashion Nails for a manicure next payday, I promise!"
"It's ringing.....two rings....please, please....three!"
"Good morning this is Lyer, Fibbs, & Purjur Law office, this is Sharon speaking how may I direct your call? Sharon addressed the phone very pleasant and professional.
"Hey there Sharon this is Peggy. (Crap, I must sound ill...not chipper....stupid, stupid,stupid you're going to ruin this.")
"Hello, I'm sorry I didn't hear you, we must have a bad connection. Would you please repeat your name?" Sharon apologized.
("Oh Sharon you are a dream come true.") "Hi Sharon this is Peg gee. I had a horrible accident and can't make it to work. I must have several x-rays done today with lab work and tests; who knows how long that will take but hopefully I will be better on Monday and if not I will call you if I'm able. See I was doing the wash last night with an old wringer washer and I put too much in the rollers, the top popped off from the clogged towels and when I pushed the top back down I must have been standing too close and got my...well I'm not sure how to tell you but one of my right ones... well I only have one right one but it got caught in the wringer and the top wouldn't pop and just kept taking me in all the way up to my underarm. I had to yank the plug on the washer out of the wall with my foot to stop it. Oh and since I wear an underwire the wire got caught in the roller mechanism which caused it to break in two under my right boob which punctured it. Not the roller or my breast...it punctured my bra. I noticed this morning that it still hasn't gone back to it's normal shape, no not the roller or the bra but my boob. It's as flat as a blueberry pancake from all the bruising and hangs to my belly button. I also noticed when I took my shower this morning there appears to be a lump in between my two girls. Yes I call them my girls. Their names are Bobbi and Swayin. I think maybe the roller pushed some of my right one up there in the middle. I don't know how to gather my right one up to put it in my bra, should I roll it on a crayon or start with my bra at my waist and try to bunch it up. And then what do I do with the middle one? Do you think a sports bra would be able to handle it? Sharon are you there? Are those voices I hear? OMG you didn't! Please tell me you didn't?"
A chorus of voices said, "Oh Peggy....get well soon. We can't wait to see you and the triplets on Monday." Which was followed by earsplitting laughter.
Rewrite Snow White from Bashful, one of the seven dwarves' perspective
Fairytale Ending By Curlyfro
"Wowsers" Bashful thought as all seven dwarfs stood at the end of their California king size bed. She could be the fairest in the land, even if she was at the moment drooling on his pillow. Sleepy had found her when he went to take his 5:30 nap and was in the process of climbing up with her to fall asleep as well. Grumpy on the other hand was already pissing and moaning about the dirt she had clobbered off her shoes and left all over the house. "And look at her blasted dress!" he exclaimed making her stir. Happy informed them that it was "just leaves and grass, it'l warsh right off!" just then Sneezy coughed, startling the girl awake. Mistaking the seven little men for goblins, which happened frequently, she screamed. Happy was left to get the explanation on why she had wandered into their house and was sleeping on their bed as the others filed out of the room. All but Sleepy of course, who had already fallen asleep.
Around the kitchen table Bashful talked about how the same thing had happened last week to those three bears that lived in Timberland. "I heard she slept with all three bears!" he whispered while rubbing his hands together. "She was drooling on my pillow, so that means she likes me most!" Sneezy was downing his fourth bottle of wild turkey while thinking what a stroke of luck it was to have a woman in the house, she could keep his liqueur cabinet stocked and cook, wash the dishes, wash the clothes, and roll his smokes. With that he burped, then hiccuped twice and fell off the chair. Grumpy caught the bottle before it hit the floor and ranted about what filthy slobs his brothers were. Doc suddenly came to the conclusion that they could hold her for ransom and use the money to...and there he paused and looked around worriedly. "Use it at horse track?" Dopey inquired innocently before going into a sneezing fit and rubbing his eyes. As if called, Tucker, their long haired tom cat, hoped into Dopey's lap sending him into another sneezing fit. Bashful had slipped to his anatomy book collection and went straight to the well thumbed page. "Wowsers" he mumbled again thinking the penny he had thrown into the town fountain every week since he was 15 had finally paid off. He must have become handsome overnight to win such a prize!
Ten minutes later Bashful leaped up and scurried to the bedroom. "Happy, let's make her feel at home and have her take a shower, she can borrow some of my pajamas, and we'll wash her clothes, I can wash her hair, powder her back and shave her legs!" Snow White, as Happy had learned her name, looked appallingly at Bashful and claimed she really must be off. "Oh no ya don't my sweet!" Happy now declared louder than necessary since his medication was wearing off. "You'll be working off the damage ye done to our house in our absence!" Snow White was oblivious to what damage she had done, seeing that she had just come in to get warm and take a nap. Bashful returned with his footie pajamas and escorted Snow White into the bathroom. After 10 minutes of screaming and thrashing bashful scrambled out with a black eye and decided he would be armed with Happy's medication when he met her in the morning.
So began Snow White's imprisonment with the seven dwarfs. Occasionally in the next four months one of the Dwarfs would see something on America's most wanted about an elderly lady, who looked a lot like Cruella De Vil, wanted for the murder of a Snow White whose picture would then flash up on the screen. Or there would be an article on the online news about a body found that was claimed to be Snow White's. Doc spent most of his days scheming on how to get the most cold hard cash out of Snow White. He already had her making toys for Santa's elves on the black market in between making calls for telemarketing. She hadn't quite gotten the accent down, but she was bringing in enough to support both Sneezy and Doc's addictions. It was around this time that Dopey and Happy were getting prescriptions filled, for Benadryl and Zoloft (Happy didn't know how his bottle was always empty these days) that Grumpy had seen the most perfect red apples and grabbed one while paying for the prescriptions. When asked what they were for Grumpy had cheerily replied with "an apple a day keeps the doc away!". Doc was by far the dirtiest brother and since his gambling debt was paid off and he didn't have to fear debt collectors, he was spending more time at home on the computer playing online poker.
Grumpy's good mood lasted exactly 14 minutes, until he got home and found Snow White sick in the bathroom. When questioned how long she had been sick Bashful claimed ignorance, but everyone could see, well except for Sleepy who didn't see much beyond his eyelids, she had been gaining weight. The thought of little ones messing up the house was the last straw for Grumpy. He simply packed a bag and left. Surprisingly Doc followed him out the door shortly after he printed something from the Internet.
Doc waited until Grumpy got into town to pull him into the bar and explain his scheme. Doc had been researching surrogate mothers and planned to have Snow White bring in a little more income. They both went home happy once again, until they found Snow White out cold in the kitchen. Each brother had a different fear going through his head. Bashful thought he had overdosed her on Zoloft and was toying with the idea of calling a taxadermist. Dopey thought maybe she was allergic to the cat and finally her heart gave out. Sneezy assumed she had been trying out his beverages and had liver failure. Happy thought she had committed suicide and Doc thought she was just trying to get out of work. Grumpy was the only one who noticed the apple he had bought earlier under the cabinet with a bite out of it.
Summer turned to winter when finally Bashful declared he thought Snow White needed the midwife. The midwife was sent for and another unknown guest arrived bringing a bassinet. The baby was born uneventfully for all but the scheming pair, who were counting their coins. The baby was cleaned up and the guest was handed her purchase, but surprised them all by asking to stay the night. She claimed she couldn't start out into the cold night with such a new baby. Grumbling, the dwarfs agreed but charged her an outrageous price for the one bed.
Snow White had been unconscious on the bedroom floor since the apple incident and everyone but Bashful thought it was time to get rid of the body, so the next day she was going to be dumped in the woods. Wouldn't you know it, the guest was the Queen, now really the fariest of them all since Snow White had gained weight and was now addicted to Zoloft, whose side effects may include diarea, insomnia, and nausea. The Queen woke Snow White up with some spirit of hartshorn, which could be fatal if used for prolonged periods, and they snuck off into the night. Snow White thinking she was escaping, the Queen thinking free LEGAL labor! Two months down the road we will find Snow White, going by the name Cinderella, with bleached hair and glass slippers going to a ball.
"Wowsers" Bashful thought as all seven dwarfs stood at the end of their California king size bed. She could be the fairest in the land, even if she was at the moment drooling on his pillow. Sleepy had found her when he went to take his 5:30 nap and was in the process of climbing up with her to fall asleep as well. Grumpy on the other hand was already pissing and moaning about the dirt she had clobbered off her shoes and left all over the house. "And look at her blasted dress!" he exclaimed making her stir. Happy informed them that it was "just leaves and grass, it'l warsh right off!" just then Sneezy coughed, startling the girl awake. Mistaking the seven little men for goblins, which happened frequently, she screamed. Happy was left to get the explanation on why she had wandered into their house and was sleeping on their bed as the others filed out of the room. All but Sleepy of course, who had already fallen asleep.
Around the kitchen table Bashful talked about how the same thing had happened last week to those three bears that lived in Timberland. "I heard she slept with all three bears!" he whispered while rubbing his hands together. "She was drooling on my pillow, so that means she likes me most!" Sneezy was downing his fourth bottle of wild turkey while thinking what a stroke of luck it was to have a woman in the house, she could keep his liqueur cabinet stocked and cook, wash the dishes, wash the clothes, and roll his smokes. With that he burped, then hiccuped twice and fell off the chair. Grumpy caught the bottle before it hit the floor and ranted about what filthy slobs his brothers were. Doc suddenly came to the conclusion that they could hold her for ransom and use the money to...and there he paused and looked around worriedly. "Use it at horse track?" Dopey inquired innocently before going into a sneezing fit and rubbing his eyes. As if called, Tucker, their long haired tom cat, hoped into Dopey's lap sending him into another sneezing fit. Bashful had slipped to his anatomy book collection and went straight to the well thumbed page. "Wowsers" he mumbled again thinking the penny he had thrown into the town fountain every week since he was 15 had finally paid off. He must have become handsome overnight to win such a prize!
Ten minutes later Bashful leaped up and scurried to the bedroom. "Happy, let's make her feel at home and have her take a shower, she can borrow some of my pajamas, and we'll wash her clothes, I can wash her hair, powder her back and shave her legs!" Snow White, as Happy had learned her name, looked appallingly at Bashful and claimed she really must be off. "Oh no ya don't my sweet!" Happy now declared louder than necessary since his medication was wearing off. "You'll be working off the damage ye done to our house in our absence!" Snow White was oblivious to what damage she had done, seeing that she had just come in to get warm and take a nap. Bashful returned with his footie pajamas and escorted Snow White into the bathroom. After 10 minutes of screaming and thrashing bashful scrambled out with a black eye and decided he would be armed with Happy's medication when he met her in the morning.
So began Snow White's imprisonment with the seven dwarfs. Occasionally in the next four months one of the Dwarfs would see something on America's most wanted about an elderly lady, who looked a lot like Cruella De Vil, wanted for the murder of a Snow White whose picture would then flash up on the screen. Or there would be an article on the online news about a body found that was claimed to be Snow White's. Doc spent most of his days scheming on how to get the most cold hard cash out of Snow White. He already had her making toys for Santa's elves on the black market in between making calls for telemarketing. She hadn't quite gotten the accent down, but she was bringing in enough to support both Sneezy and Doc's addictions. It was around this time that Dopey and Happy were getting prescriptions filled, for Benadryl and Zoloft (Happy didn't know how his bottle was always empty these days) that Grumpy had seen the most perfect red apples and grabbed one while paying for the prescriptions. When asked what they were for Grumpy had cheerily replied with "an apple a day keeps the doc away!". Doc was by far the dirtiest brother and since his gambling debt was paid off and he didn't have to fear debt collectors, he was spending more time at home on the computer playing online poker.
Grumpy's good mood lasted exactly 14 minutes, until he got home and found Snow White sick in the bathroom. When questioned how long she had been sick Bashful claimed ignorance, but everyone could see, well except for Sleepy who didn't see much beyond his eyelids, she had been gaining weight. The thought of little ones messing up the house was the last straw for Grumpy. He simply packed a bag and left. Surprisingly Doc followed him out the door shortly after he printed something from the Internet.
Doc waited until Grumpy got into town to pull him into the bar and explain his scheme. Doc had been researching surrogate mothers and planned to have Snow White bring in a little more income. They both went home happy once again, until they found Snow White out cold in the kitchen. Each brother had a different fear going through his head. Bashful thought he had overdosed her on Zoloft and was toying with the idea of calling a taxadermist. Dopey thought maybe she was allergic to the cat and finally her heart gave out. Sneezy assumed she had been trying out his beverages and had liver failure. Happy thought she had committed suicide and Doc thought she was just trying to get out of work. Grumpy was the only one who noticed the apple he had bought earlier under the cabinet with a bite out of it.
Summer turned to winter when finally Bashful declared he thought Snow White needed the midwife. The midwife was sent for and another unknown guest arrived bringing a bassinet. The baby was born uneventfully for all but the scheming pair, who were counting their coins. The baby was cleaned up and the guest was handed her purchase, but surprised them all by asking to stay the night. She claimed she couldn't start out into the cold night with such a new baby. Grumbling, the dwarfs agreed but charged her an outrageous price for the one bed.
Snow White had been unconscious on the bedroom floor since the apple incident and everyone but Bashful thought it was time to get rid of the body, so the next day she was going to be dumped in the woods. Wouldn't you know it, the guest was the Queen, now really the fariest of them all since Snow White had gained weight and was now addicted to Zoloft, whose side effects may include diarea, insomnia, and nausea. The Queen woke Snow White up with some spirit of hartshorn, which could be fatal if used for prolonged periods, and they snuck off into the night. Snow White thinking she was escaping, the Queen thinking free LEGAL labor! Two months down the road we will find Snow White, going by the name Cinderella, with bleached hair and glass slippers going to a ball.
Write an instructional narrative of making the perfect cup of coffee.
The Perfect Brew By Curlyfro
Making the perfect coffee is like going to heaven and stealing a cloud! I know you can't drink a cloud, but just imagine what a cloud could taste like! For me it would taste like a perfect cup of coffee. No, wait, that is cotton candy. Cotton Candy tastes like a cloud...
CUT
Oh dear, you know I couldn't sleep last night and then there was the storm that made me late this morning, so I never really had a chance to write out what I was going to say, and I don't even really like coffee anyway. You want me to just read the back of the can? OK.
ACTION
Thank you for tuning in, The best part of waking up is......
CUT
What? I thought that was really good, I was starting to get into it. Should I have swished my hips more, or maybe I could sing the directions I really have quite a lovely voice. La la la la aaaaa! You want me to just do it from the heart? Ok then I will...ok.
ACTION
Today we are going to make the Perfect Cup of Coffee. You'll woo that man right out bed if you make the coffee strong enough. Then maybe he will actually fix the dishwasher, or change the oil in the car or walk the dog once you put the right amount of perk in his Joe. And if that doesn't work you can always "accidentally" spray the oven cleaner in the coffee beans while you're brewing. If you are going to do this second step it is best to have a big, strong, young man nearby to help you hide the body...err...coffee grinds.
END
EXCUSE ME HILDA, THE CAMERA MAN WANTS TO GET A PICTURE OF YOU WORKING.
"Ahh, okay.
Now I start again. Now where was I? Oh I puts the clear water in the steeless steel pot and den you sprinkle over the perfectly ground coffee beans a .23 gram of white ground salt. Remember to purchase only the best. You can tell tis da best, it is da most expensive salt. Why da hell does I needs so many freaking people in my kitchen whens I try to makes coffee ? Gets da hell out of here I will do it meself. I can shot photos, I have better camera & lighting. Better yet just go home yous don't deserve any of dis you bunch of free loading tea drinking pansies pigs!"
Making the perfect coffee is like going to heaven and stealing a cloud! I know you can't drink a cloud, but just imagine what a cloud could taste like! For me it would taste like a perfect cup of coffee. No, wait, that is cotton candy. Cotton Candy tastes like a cloud...
CUT
Oh dear, you know I couldn't sleep last night and then there was the storm that made me late this morning, so I never really had a chance to write out what I was going to say, and I don't even really like coffee anyway. You want me to just read the back of the can? OK.
ACTION
Thank you for tuning in, The best part of waking up is......
CUT
What? I thought that was really good, I was starting to get into it. Should I have swished my hips more, or maybe I could sing the directions I really have quite a lovely voice. La la la la aaaaa! You want me to just do it from the heart? Ok then I will...ok.
ACTION
Today we are going to make the Perfect Cup of Coffee. You'll woo that man right out bed if you make the coffee strong enough. Then maybe he will actually fix the dishwasher, or change the oil in the car or walk the dog once you put the right amount of perk in his Joe. And if that doesn't work you can always "accidentally" spray the oven cleaner in the coffee beans while you're brewing. If you are going to do this second step it is best to have a big, strong, young man nearby to help you hide the body...err...coffee grinds.
END
WHERE DO YOU WANT YOUR COFFEE by Lamommasita
"I make coffee for me family and friends. I need to tell you dat I is of German decent so you now know dat it will be da best coffee you ever drink. No need to add all dat crap da English do dat ruin da rich roast. If you start with da best you will end with da best.
Now I begin....
You start with a stainless steel coffee pot made in northern Germany that holds exactly 1.2 liters of fresh, clean, pure water.
Don't put water in the pot yet, did I say anything about putting da water in pot? NO! Put it down now! Dat is not where you find it, put it here! aaah! First you must have a 816.47 grams of coffee beans. Since Germany doesn't have the climate to grow coffee we must import from other place and we will rework it to bring it up to our standards.
Use a coffee grinder only made in the Dutchland since other ones don't grind worth a shit. Well day may grind dat but then coffee will taste like it too. Grind all da beans at once. If da damn thing jams from too much beans, just pick it up and slam it down on cement floor and it will be ready to grind some more.
Put in the perfectly ground coffee beans into top of percolator ring and hold with left hand. Now add the pure water only from German mountain streams to the stainless steel coffee pot up to da line dat says 1.1 liters. It will be marked on da inside and on da outside and in ten other places on da stainless steel coffee pot."
"I make coffee for me family and friends. I need to tell you dat I is of German decent so you now know dat it will be da best coffee you ever drink. No need to add all dat crap da English do dat ruin da rich roast. If you start with da best you will end with da best.
Now I begin....
You start with a stainless steel coffee pot made in northern Germany that holds exactly 1.2 liters of fresh, clean, pure water.
Don't put water in the pot yet, did I say anything about putting da water in pot? NO! Put it down now! Dat is not where you find it, put it here! aaah! First you must have a 816.47 grams of coffee beans. Since Germany doesn't have the climate to grow coffee we must import from other place and we will rework it to bring it up to our standards.
Use a coffee grinder only made in the Dutchland since other ones don't grind worth a shit. Well day may grind dat but then coffee will taste like it too. Grind all da beans at once. If da damn thing jams from too much beans, just pick it up and slam it down on cement floor and it will be ready to grind some more.
Put in the perfectly ground coffee beans into top of percolator ring and hold with left hand. Now add the pure water only from German mountain streams to the stainless steel coffee pot up to da line dat says 1.1 liters. It will be marked on da inside and on da outside and in ten other places on da stainless steel coffee pot."
EXCUSE ME HILDA, THE CAMERA MAN WANTS TO GET A PICTURE OF YOU WORKING.
"Ahh, okay.
Now I start again. Now where was I? Oh I puts the clear water in the steeless steel pot and den you sprinkle over the perfectly ground coffee beans a .23 gram of white ground salt. Remember to purchase only the best. You can tell tis da best, it is da most expensive salt. Why da hell does I needs so many freaking people in my kitchen whens I try to makes coffee ? Gets da hell out of here I will do it meself. I can shot photos, I have better camera & lighting. Better yet just go home yous don't deserve any of dis you bunch of free loading tea drinking pansies pigs!"
Write a love story between an ostrage and his cheese whiz
THE DAY THE CHEESY LOVE AGED by Lamommasita
"Good Morning everyone. Isn't it a beautiful day to get your head out of the sand & smell something other than elephant dung! Yes siree bob, this day is going to be a good hunting day." Oliver was always the happy one in the group. He rightfully should be since he was consistently a half hour late to work each day. He also spent most of his day eating while on the job.
Oliver was helping clean up the savanna along the Tadpole ridge in Eastern Africa. Well...Oliver over saw the project. See he was not only the Alpha male to the herd but also a King in his own mind. He used his position for all it was worth. 
Oliver would stroll in late...over see the other thirty seven ostriches, aka os-trages in New Zealand, (see the above title for the blog) then head to a sandy bank. In an hour or so he would get up to eat grasses and maybe a lizard, check on his herd and end up on the sandy bank again. This routine went on all day until Oliver would leave around 3:47 pm. He hated to rush so he left early to beat the running, squawking, wing-flapping, shift change on the grassland. The term 'bank &/or banker's hours' was coined after Oliver's work ethics and environment.
On a normal 'Oliver' day he would look around and admire his realm as he ate cheese whiz covered ants, cheese whiz covered lizards, cheese whiz covered grasses, really anything he could get down his throat had cheese whiz on it. Oliver was the only known ostrich that had a love affair with cheese whiz. The entire herd would tease him. He looked more like Big Bird with the color of his legs and neck after trying to spray cheese whiz with his two toes while holding the food in his beck. Oliver was pathetic.
Oliver was proud of the 1000 acres of pristine savanna in which he was responsible. His workers were happy and clucked all the while they worked. Why wouldn't they be content. Oliver allowed them to eat on the job and anything they couldn't swallow they could take home.
On this one special Wednesday morning, orders came down from the head office. There had been a secret contest held in which the winning savanna would be selected to sponsor a rock concert. Yep you guessed it...Oliver hadn't arrived at work yet when the exciting news arrived. The crew was all a flutter since they would be receiving 'free' tickets to the concert.
Oliver strolled in with his head in the clouds. No really, he literally did. There was a low lying fog along the coast line that had moved inland and with his long neck he was....see what I mean. When he sat down on the sandy bank he finally noticed seventy four feet wiggling under seventy four red legs. When Oliver realized what he was looking at he told his herd to control their toes and sit down.
Oh my was Oliver excited when the others finally included him in the earth shattering news. "He was going to be a star. His own concert right here in his own grasslands. All those famous people right here...right beside him or behind him. Yes they would have to be behind him. Oh, oh, he would have to have his feathers preened and the head hair gelled" he smiled to himself. There was so much to do and so little time. The concert was in two weeks.
Finally when Oliver came out of his fog he hadn't even asked who was preforming at the concert. When he found out he thought he was going to have a stoke. (It's very dangerous for an ostrich to have a stroke. Their little heads haven't room for a clot to form so it ends up pushing out their already really big eyes. They walk around looking like a fly on steroids that's rubber necking.) Anyway...it was the one and only "Rhea". She was the hottest thing next to desert sand. That girl had legs that went all the way up to her bottom feathers. WOW what a hot chick.
Every bird including Oliver worked very hard the next fourteen days. The sand, grasses,trees were gorgeous. There wasn't a shrub out of place and the grasses swayed in harmony to the breeze. The level of excitement was so loud it felt like a thunderstorm.
You're not going to believe this but Oliver was working his tail feathers off for this event. The only thought in his mind was "Rhea". He wanted everything just right for her. It is a known fact that an ostrich's brain is smaller than one of their eyes. So Oliver could only concentrate on one thought at a time. His true love of cheese whiz became a cheese was. Since he had forgotten about food covered in whiz his feathers were becoming clean and were a beautiful black. His long legs and neck became their brilliant pinkish red. He was a very handsome Struthio Camelus. Oliver honored his species name.
The concert was a hit and Rhea put on a great performance. She was taken back by her host. He was a tall, nine foot, handsome male with jet, black feathers and white plumage. He definitely was a man in charge and knew how to use his power. When Oliver offered her his realm at Tadpole Ridge for her to use as her vacation retreat, how could she refuse. She had heard about a male that loved cheese puffs and had let Whiskers eat them before he stuck her in a box and... anyway she knew it had to have been someone else. This man was a kind as he was handsome.
Oliver was now the true Alpha male of his kingdom and not the one that just got by on simple carbs. Behind every great male there's a female that makes them feel good about themselves. Since males can only think of one thing at a time it might as well be on important things and not the cheesy stuff!
Cheese, Not Again! By Curlyfro
Samson's mother Millie was what some would call "overprotective" He was almost seven years old before she would allow him to scurry out of her tail feathers to eat his own food. She would have kept him there longer, but he was taller than her and it was getting a little uncomfortable for her with the arthritis and all. Poor fella never realised he was a little "odd" even though the other ostriches his age (all married with several offspring) never missed the opportunity to ask him if "mommy was still chewing his food" and made various comments about being in captivity. He was so caught up in how amazing he was (his mother told him all the time) that he didn't notice how others lived. His day consisted of following his mother around since she was the only company that could listen to his constant ramblings, even the baby ostriches thought he was an odd duck, but Samson was very content.
As the years went by Samson was able to grow a little bit and stretch his wings. His mother's arthritis was so bad she actually let him wander around, though he was never out of her site. Soon Samson had an ant farm (It took a lot of nagging to convince his mother that they wouldn't hurt him and that he would feed on them everyday) and a passion for jeeps. He could tell you every make and model of every jeep that ever ventured south of the Sahara. And well, if he didn't know, he had no qualms with making something up. At this stage in his life he would lay covered in the tall grass and when an unsuspecting ostrich walked by Samson would jump up and start spewing off all his knowledge about jeeps and ant farms. Since he didn't have many stories he would have to repeat himself or make some up until the victim was able to get away.
Early one morning while Samson was nestling into the grass to start another adventurous day, he heard a vehicle in the distance. Excited he ran towards the sound at his clumsy gait since he was overweight from being coddled. The Jeep stopped and the three people on board started taking his picture. He had heard about becoming famous from UTube and hammed it up for the camera. Unfortunately since he spent so much time with his mother, they were all rather unmanly poses. Assuming they had found a pregnant female, the passengers started tossing crackers at him. Soon Samson was catching them in his mouth while twirling around on one leg and doing plies. Having run out of crackers Samson felt brave enough to walk right up to the jeep and poke around in the bags for a recipe so he could make them at home, for he was kind hearted. Knowing his mother would raise holy hell, he justified his actions with being like Rambo. He was living a dangerous life and it scared him a little, but he was sacrificing for the good of the herd. One of the women in the jeep grabbed a container of cheese whiz and stuck it in his mouth. Gosh A Mighty! That stuff was good! He sucked down the entire container and burped his gratitude before turning away and lumbering off. The rest of the day was spent enlightening everyone about the World War II SAS jeep that had Cheese Whiz. In a spray bottle! As a boy once cried wolf, no one believed poor Samson until the next day.
It started off like any other day in extreme heat, in a desert, with an ostrich talking non-stop. Samson woke up, exhausted his stories on his mother and then... went pale. He moaned... and groaned... and broke out in a sweat. His mother didn't know what was wrong with him and forced noodle soup down his gullet. Hours went by with Samson wriggling in pain until early evening. There was a "pop" and a tennis ball appeared on the grass behind Samson. Samson was the only one who had actually seen a picture of a tennis ball for he spent a lot of time on the Internet (they were on sale at Target this week), but he was sure that was what it was. Oddly enough he felt better and had the energy to embellish on his cheese whiz story before bedtime. The jeep returned to the reserve and fed Samson cheese whiz every couple of weeks and like having a secret lover Samson would race away to met it every time he heard it come. It's not like Samson actually had a secret, the savanna was spotted with tennis balls, but he thought he was being super sly. He created such amusement with the jeep crew that he became a sensation world wide. Samson Appeared on Africa's Got Talent and although he didn't win, signed a contract with Wilson. He and his mother would get to live in a 5x5 cage in California for the rest of their lives after travelling in cargo class for 19 hours!!! Samson was living the dream thinking of all the Grocery Advertisements delivered right to his door and the letters he could send back home of his adventures!
Story behind the dilapidated house with one unbroken glass window, must include 1 metaphor, an orangutan, and a postage stamp
These Walls...Talk? By Curlyfro
Oh, I used to be a beauty. I would like to think in my old age that there is someone like Jane Austen still alive who thinks "It sometimes happens that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine than she was ten years before". I can only lie about my age being closer to twenty-nine, but I am still sturdy. Well, until it gets exceptionally windy or the snow piles up on me or...well, never mind. At my age there should be someone who cares enough about me to at least make sure I am warm. Someone to make sure I don't have bats in the belfry, skeletons in the closet, mice in the attic. It's not like I am difficult to live with, I just need some mending. And who at my age is in perfect condition? Which reminds me, the last man I had left me and moved in with a brand new woman. The family before that left me for an five year old condo in Miami. Oh, the Newburgs, they were the only ones who understood. They cared for me and stayed until their deaths. But oh, what I have seen since. The land I was on is now being broken into housing developments and the view I once had is blocked by a big box mart.
Years ago I used to be a hangout for the neighborhood punks, but even they have since moved on. They started with stones and moved on to BB guns, which is how I lost all but one of my windows. The one they didn't get is protected by the large maple in the back. They spray painted a picture of an orangutan in the kitchen, it looks like a large hairy baby and a dilapidated house, which I assume is a portrait of me, in the living room. The only part of me still in original condition is about the size of an international postage stamp.
Enough of my ramblings, it's just been so long since I have had company and you look like such a lovely young lady. Now what is that not you have posted on the door? C-O-N-D-E-M-N-E-D? I am not sure what that means.. Wait, where are you going? I didn't mean to offend you, please come back! Oh, the heartache of being left again...one more time...alone...unloved.
She sighed her last breathe...and all was quiet.
Antebellum By Curlyfro
Oh, the fighting must be getting close now, I can hear the cannons over the hill, almost at our doorstep. I don't know what to do , I promised I'd wait, I promised until death do us part. I...never thought it would come to that, well, not so soon. I thought we would start a family together, watch our grandchildren grow and go comfortably in our sleep... I should take the curtains down. They will only get dirty once those northerners take over. Or should I keep them up for when he comes back? I always thought the orangutan print was gaudy, I mean, who has actually seen an orangutan, but now I find it comforting since he loved them so. Why did this war have to start so soon after getting married? Why did it have to involve us? Why did he think he had to be a hero. his place is here...with his family...on his family's farm. I should hide the remaining hog...or, no...I should butcher it and cure it in the shed for Jon...for when he comes home. We will have our own little celebration, we will be carefree like we used to be, we... Here comes someone up the lane. Oh it is John's sister from town! "Mary Lynn! Oh is there news? Has he come back? Is it over? You have a letter! oh look at that from Jon-the postage is stamped right in town! that means he's home, we won didn't we! Why do you look so sad? Shall I read it a loud? You already have? Dear family of...regret to inform you...honor and duty to his country...?" What is the meaning of this? No. No no no, it's not true, they made a mistake. It's a mistake! No, get off of me, I won't go with you. No! Leave me alone, I told him I would wait. No, it's a mistake I must be here when he comes home. Oh, my shoe. Give it to me it is mine, he gave it to me, It's mine. But what do I do with it? What good is it now? I'll never wear them with him. I'll never live here another day with him. I'll never live here another day...Quick Mary Lynn, the Yankees, they will be coming. I don't want them in here! Yes, let's throw these rocks and knock out the windows, let's set it on fire. No, I have not lost my mind...this is ours, they've taken enough from me! Now Who is coming up the lane? Why those are our neighbors, the Tuckers! Hello Mrs. Tucker, yes we know we were just about to leave. They are just over the hill you say and coming this way? No! Mary Lynn, I haven't started the fire yet, there is still one window, I... Yes, another day. We must go. We must go...Oh Jon....
Diagnosis By Curlyfro
Let's see, who do I have for the 8:00 appointment today? Oh bugger...Mrs Stafford, just lovely. Last week she wanted me to write a prescription for an orangutan as an emotional support animal so she wouldn't have to go on vacation alone. What a nut. If anyone should be committed it is her. And if anyone needs a vacation it would be me!
"Dr. Arnett, Mrs. Stafford is here, shall I show her in...oh" Dianna, the receptionist was cut off as Mrs. Stafford forced her way in. Her large purple hat hitting Dianna in the head, the large purple bag hitting her in the knee.
"Dr. Arnett, I have been waiting in the office for two minutes! What is the meaning of this? Did you not see my car come in? Did you oversleep and just get into work? Were you AVOIDING ME Dr. Arnett? Dianna slips out giving Dr Arnett the "gee sorry" look.
"Mrs. Stafford, always a pleasure to see you, actually I noticed the room was a little chilly this morning and was hoping to get it warmed up before you came in."
"You're quit right! It I were crazy I'd think I stepped into the North Pole! Do I not pay you enough to keep the heat on? Now, Let me show you the picture my granddaughter drew me! Huph! There is certainly something wrong with her! (digging into purse) This one is Donny and Michelle's daughter, I never did like that woman. Got pregnant and suckered him into marrying her, I am sure I told you about her...Ahh, there it is! Just look at that!"
"Why Mrs. Stafford, it looks like a house. How old did you say your granddaughter is?"
"Abbey is six and just like her mother- that is not any just old house Dr. Arnett. She said this was a picture of MY house!"
"Well, it seems like she likes your house, look at the heart she drew above the window"
"It is a DILAPIDATED house DocTOR Arnett. She must think I am a senior delinquent living in a place that doesn't even stand up straight, look at the roof line. The left side is concave and the right convex!
"Mrs. Stafford, I now see your concern. Children do not have the hand eye coordination until about eight years old, when they start drawing "realism". Your granddaughter is in the schematic stage. She draws things as she sees them through her six year old eyes. Children start out at the scribbling stage, progress to the preschematic stage and at around age twelve..."
"So you are saying this is normal? It is normal to have my house look like it is falling down?"
"I would focus on why she drew the picture for you rather than the artistic preciseness. I am getting that Abby loves you very much and wanted you to know that she feels safe and loved in your home."
"Very well then. Do you want to see the picture she drew of me?" More digging. "Here is it! And tell me what you think about that! My legs look like tree trunks! You know how much I love to wear my dresses, well today I had to wear trousers! Just look at my legs, how could I go out like that! She thinks I have elephantiasis!"
"Again Mrs. Stafford, I think she is trying to tell you she sees you as sturdy, someone she can come to...maybe even thinks you are strong for all the things life has handed you and you are able to keep standing..."
"You're right, I have been through an awful lot! Between the alcoholism and the shopping, Johnny into drugs and Lloyd's death. Yes, my life has been difficult! But...do you think Abby actually sees this? She knows what a strong woman I am? Well, I was just about to write her out of my will, maybe I will pick her up after school and take her to get ice cream. She loves that mint chocolate chip at the corner store...I am sorry Dr. Arnett, I will have to leave this session early, I must get dolled up for my date. I think I will wear my red dress with the red and black hat. Thank you Dr. and good day! suddenly it doesn't seem so cold in here."
Yes, and I am glad everything is working out ok, have a pleasant day Mrs. Stafford"
"Goodbye Dianna, that color makes you look pale dear, If I had more time I would give you advice, but I must be going!"
Weew! ten minutes until my appointment with....let's see...Mr. Harris. What a day. Mr. Harris worked for the Post Office before going postal. When I gave him the ink blots and of course he saw postage stamps in all of them.
"Dianna, forewarn me when Mr. Harris is here, I need a drink!"
"He just walked in sir!"
Wonderful!
Oh, I used to be a beauty. I would like to think in my old age that there is someone like Jane Austen still alive who thinks "It sometimes happens that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine than she was ten years before". I can only lie about my age being closer to twenty-nine, but I am still sturdy. Well, until it gets exceptionally windy or the snow piles up on me or...well, never mind. At my age there should be someone who cares enough about me to at least make sure I am warm. Someone to make sure I don't have bats in the belfry, skeletons in the closet, mice in the attic. It's not like I am difficult to live with, I just need some mending. And who at my age is in perfect condition? Which reminds me, the last man I had left me and moved in with a brand new woman. The family before that left me for an five year old condo in Miami. Oh, the Newburgs, they were the only ones who understood. They cared for me and stayed until their deaths. But oh, what I have seen since. The land I was on is now being broken into housing developments and the view I once had is blocked by a big box mart.
Years ago I used to be a hangout for the neighborhood punks, but even they have since moved on. They started with stones and moved on to BB guns, which is how I lost all but one of my windows. The one they didn't get is protected by the large maple in the back. They spray painted a picture of an orangutan in the kitchen, it looks like a large hairy baby and a dilapidated house, which I assume is a portrait of me, in the living room. The only part of me still in original condition is about the size of an international postage stamp.
Enough of my ramblings, it's just been so long since I have had company and you look like such a lovely young lady. Now what is that not you have posted on the door? C-O-N-D-E-M-N-E-D? I am not sure what that means.. Wait, where are you going? I didn't mean to offend you, please come back! Oh, the heartache of being left again...one more time...alone...unloved.
She sighed her last breathe...and all was quiet.
Antebellum By Curlyfro
Oh, the fighting must be getting close now, I can hear the cannons over the hill, almost at our doorstep. I don't know what to do , I promised I'd wait, I promised until death do us part. I...never thought it would come to that, well, not so soon. I thought we would start a family together, watch our grandchildren grow and go comfortably in our sleep... I should take the curtains down. They will only get dirty once those northerners take over. Or should I keep them up for when he comes back? I always thought the orangutan print was gaudy, I mean, who has actually seen an orangutan, but now I find it comforting since he loved them so. Why did this war have to start so soon after getting married? Why did it have to involve us? Why did he think he had to be a hero. his place is here...with his family...on his family's farm. I should hide the remaining hog...or, no...I should butcher it and cure it in the shed for Jon...for when he comes home. We will have our own little celebration, we will be carefree like we used to be, we... Here comes someone up the lane. Oh it is John's sister from town! "Mary Lynn! Oh is there news? Has he come back? Is it over? You have a letter! oh look at that from Jon-the postage is stamped right in town! that means he's home, we won didn't we! Why do you look so sad? Shall I read it a loud? You already have? Dear family of...regret to inform you...honor and duty to his country...?" What is the meaning of this? No. No no no, it's not true, they made a mistake. It's a mistake! No, get off of me, I won't go with you. No! Leave me alone, I told him I would wait. No, it's a mistake I must be here when he comes home. Oh, my shoe. Give it to me it is mine, he gave it to me, It's mine. But what do I do with it? What good is it now? I'll never wear them with him. I'll never live here another day with him. I'll never live here another day...Quick Mary Lynn, the Yankees, they will be coming. I don't want them in here! Yes, let's throw these rocks and knock out the windows, let's set it on fire. No, I have not lost my mind...this is ours, they've taken enough from me! Now Who is coming up the lane? Why those are our neighbors, the Tuckers! Hello Mrs. Tucker, yes we know we were just about to leave. They are just over the hill you say and coming this way? No! Mary Lynn, I haven't started the fire yet, there is still one window, I... Yes, another day. We must go. We must go...Oh Jon....
Diagnosis By Curlyfro
Let's see, who do I have for the 8:00 appointment today? Oh bugger...Mrs Stafford, just lovely. Last week she wanted me to write a prescription for an orangutan as an emotional support animal so she wouldn't have to go on vacation alone. What a nut. If anyone should be committed it is her. And if anyone needs a vacation it would be me!
"Dr. Arnett, Mrs. Stafford is here, shall I show her in...oh" Dianna, the receptionist was cut off as Mrs. Stafford forced her way in. Her large purple hat hitting Dianna in the head, the large purple bag hitting her in the knee.
"Dr. Arnett, I have been waiting in the office for two minutes! What is the meaning of this? Did you not see my car come in? Did you oversleep and just get into work? Were you AVOIDING ME Dr. Arnett? Dianna slips out giving Dr Arnett the "gee sorry" look.
"Mrs. Stafford, always a pleasure to see you, actually I noticed the room was a little chilly this morning and was hoping to get it warmed up before you came in."
"You're quit right! It I were crazy I'd think I stepped into the North Pole! Do I not pay you enough to keep the heat on? Now, Let me show you the picture my granddaughter drew me! Huph! There is certainly something wrong with her! (digging into purse) This one is Donny and Michelle's daughter, I never did like that woman. Got pregnant and suckered him into marrying her, I am sure I told you about her...Ahh, there it is! Just look at that!"
"Why Mrs. Stafford, it looks like a house. How old did you say your granddaughter is?"
"Abbey is six and just like her mother- that is not any just old house Dr. Arnett. She said this was a picture of MY house!"
"Well, it seems like she likes your house, look at the heart she drew above the window"
"It is a DILAPIDATED house DocTOR Arnett. She must think I am a senior delinquent living in a place that doesn't even stand up straight, look at the roof line. The left side is concave and the right convex!
"Mrs. Stafford, I now see your concern. Children do not have the hand eye coordination until about eight years old, when they start drawing "realism". Your granddaughter is in the schematic stage. She draws things as she sees them through her six year old eyes. Children start out at the scribbling stage, progress to the preschematic stage and at around age twelve..."
"So you are saying this is normal? It is normal to have my house look like it is falling down?"
"I would focus on why she drew the picture for you rather than the artistic preciseness. I am getting that Abby loves you very much and wanted you to know that she feels safe and loved in your home."
"Very well then. Do you want to see the picture she drew of me?" More digging. "Here is it! And tell me what you think about that! My legs look like tree trunks! You know how much I love to wear my dresses, well today I had to wear trousers! Just look at my legs, how could I go out like that! She thinks I have elephantiasis!"
"Again Mrs. Stafford, I think she is trying to tell you she sees you as sturdy, someone she can come to...maybe even thinks you are strong for all the things life has handed you and you are able to keep standing..."
"You're right, I have been through an awful lot! Between the alcoholism and the shopping, Johnny into drugs and Lloyd's death. Yes, my life has been difficult! But...do you think Abby actually sees this? She knows what a strong woman I am? Well, I was just about to write her out of my will, maybe I will pick her up after school and take her to get ice cream. She loves that mint chocolate chip at the corner store...I am sorry Dr. Arnett, I will have to leave this session early, I must get dolled up for my date. I think I will wear my red dress with the red and black hat. Thank you Dr. and good day! suddenly it doesn't seem so cold in here."
Yes, and I am glad everything is working out ok, have a pleasant day Mrs. Stafford"
"Goodbye Dianna, that color makes you look pale dear, If I had more time I would give you advice, but I must be going!"
Weew! ten minutes until my appointment with....let's see...Mr. Harris. What a day. Mr. Harris worked for the Post Office before going postal. When I gave him the ink blots and of course he saw postage stamps in all of them.
"Dianna, forewarn me when Mr. Harris is here, I need a drink!"
"He just walked in sir!"
Wonderful!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Mystery in a foreign country, 1 metaphor, must include an Oreo cookie and vinyl siding.
Oh Rio? By Curlyfro
"What do you imagine it could be detective?" Grusha asked while holding her nose.
"I am not sure Lyu Bof, but I won't have you exposed to it, They have been turning up all over town. Actually it started when that American tourist group showed up to steal all of our babies from the orphanages." he replied while trying to seem chivalrous to Hilda. She was one tough cookie he thought. He had been trying to make his intentions clear since he was 22 and arrived on her family's farm to investigate a dead cow. The only reason a detective was called was because they expected foul play aka poisoning by the neighbors. Why they would call him, he wasn't a veterinarian nor a doctor, was beyond him, but he was happy to get paid for something where there were no possible witnesses. He had made up heart failure and today was still pleased with his quick thinking. The cow was probably eating too much cholesterol, you know how cows can get addicted to butter. Now he was 31 and Hilda was attending University in St Petersburg where he was working. He had casually mentioned to her parents that it was unsafe to be walking the block from her last class to her dorm room by herself. You never know what type of perverts could be tracking her every move, they could even figure out her schedule, where she does laundry and bump into her as he has been doing..as uhm..someone, some predator could do. He was mearly doing those things for her safety. Her parents had passed their concerns on to Hilda, who was now being walked home. Every night. Whether she wanted it or not. To Boris these walks went too quickly so he was secretly thrilled at the brown lump...lumpy thing...disc like brown thing with a stripe, but not a skunk, in the road. It was a welcomed distraction. Tonight he was finally going to confess his love for her, but kept getting tongue tied. He was pleased with her reaction when he had called her Lyu Bof, "Love" he thought he saw her shiver.
"It looks like some sort of food" Grusha was bending down for a better look when Boris grabbed her around the waist and hauled her backwards.
"I implore you to stay back from that dreadful creature, or whatever it is, you are too presssssursen" Damn! Boris thought, I chickened out again. She is just so precious to me!
"Don't you think you are overreacting?" (Again, you creep) she wanted to add. She still remembered the day she met him when she was 12. A family friend had just hired him on and wanted him put to the test, so they had called him when their cow died. The cow had died while giving birth, but he was convinced it had died of cardiac arrest. Drinking too much milk or butter or some absurd thing like that. Her family had managed to make it to the house before they broke into fits of laughter. Her father had gladly paid the ridiculous fee simply for the entertainment Boris had supplied for years to come. Unfortunately business was slow for the detective and he moved to St. Petersburg. Forgetting about him by the time she started college she hadn't recognised him when they bumped into each other in the laundry mat. The first time or the second time a month later. Shortly after that second "accidental" meeting she was informed by her parents that he would be walking her home. Effective immediately. Her dad was chuckling when he got off the phone so she knew he was hoping for more intriguing stories. She had tried to make the walks as short as possible, but the weird little wafer had caught her eye tonight. At this point she decided it wasn't worth getting man handled again and started walking home.
"Don't you think we should talk about it?" Implored Boris with as much passion as he could muster.
"It must be some wafer those Americans brought from home and dropped" She replied without turning around.
"Not the wafer, my sweet, marriage" he choked out as though it was his last breath.
"Marriage? Oh... you are right it must be one of those OH RIO things, yes chocolate wafers married together with a cream center! That may be the one intelligent thing I have ever heard you say! Well, we are here and the mystery is solved, Good Night Boris!" and with that the door was closed firmly.
She must have a heart like vinyl siding! He thought as he started home. He resolved to do some research on vinyl siding, it couldn't be completely impenetrable.
"What do you imagine it could be detective?" Grusha asked while holding her nose.
"I am not sure Lyu Bof, but I won't have you exposed to it, They have been turning up all over town. Actually it started when that American tourist group showed up to steal all of our babies from the orphanages." he replied while trying to seem chivalrous to Hilda. She was one tough cookie he thought. He had been trying to make his intentions clear since he was 22 and arrived on her family's farm to investigate a dead cow. The only reason a detective was called was because they expected foul play aka poisoning by the neighbors. Why they would call him, he wasn't a veterinarian nor a doctor, was beyond him, but he was happy to get paid for something where there were no possible witnesses. He had made up heart failure and today was still pleased with his quick thinking. The cow was probably eating too much cholesterol, you know how cows can get addicted to butter. Now he was 31 and Hilda was attending University in St Petersburg where he was working. He had casually mentioned to her parents that it was unsafe to be walking the block from her last class to her dorm room by herself. You never know what type of perverts could be tracking her every move, they could even figure out her schedule, where she does laundry and bump into her as he has been doing..as uhm..someone, some predator could do. He was mearly doing those things for her safety. Her parents had passed their concerns on to Hilda, who was now being walked home. Every night. Whether she wanted it or not. To Boris these walks went too quickly so he was secretly thrilled at the brown lump...lumpy thing...disc like brown thing with a stripe, but not a skunk, in the road. It was a welcomed distraction. Tonight he was finally going to confess his love for her, but kept getting tongue tied. He was pleased with her reaction when he had called her Lyu Bof, "Love" he thought he saw her shiver.
"It looks like some sort of food" Grusha was bending down for a better look when Boris grabbed her around the waist and hauled her backwards.
"I implore you to stay back from that dreadful creature, or whatever it is, you are too presssssursen" Damn! Boris thought, I chickened out again. She is just so precious to me!
"Don't you think you are overreacting?" (Again, you creep) she wanted to add. She still remembered the day she met him when she was 12. A family friend had just hired him on and wanted him put to the test, so they had called him when their cow died. The cow had died while giving birth, but he was convinced it had died of cardiac arrest. Drinking too much milk or butter or some absurd thing like that. Her family had managed to make it to the house before they broke into fits of laughter. Her father had gladly paid the ridiculous fee simply for the entertainment Boris had supplied for years to come. Unfortunately business was slow for the detective and he moved to St. Petersburg. Forgetting about him by the time she started college she hadn't recognised him when they bumped into each other in the laundry mat. The first time or the second time a month later. Shortly after that second "accidental" meeting she was informed by her parents that he would be walking her home. Effective immediately. Her dad was chuckling when he got off the phone so she knew he was hoping for more intriguing stories. She had tried to make the walks as short as possible, but the weird little wafer had caught her eye tonight. At this point she decided it wasn't worth getting man handled again and started walking home.
"Don't you think we should talk about it?" Implored Boris with as much passion as he could muster.
"It must be some wafer those Americans brought from home and dropped" She replied without turning around.
"Not the wafer, my sweet, marriage" he choked out as though it was his last breath.
"Marriage? Oh... you are right it must be one of those OH RIO things, yes chocolate wafers married together with a cream center! That may be the one intelligent thing I have ever heard you say! Well, we are here and the mystery is solved, Good Night Boris!" and with that the door was closed firmly.
She must have a heart like vinyl siding! He thought as he started home. He resolved to do some research on vinyl siding, it couldn't be completely impenetrable.
1st person: Escape from the Underworld, (work in your knowledge on Greek Mythology)
Thanks For The Lift! By: Curlyfro
Damn it's hot here! I am getting blisters just from standing! I really wished I was in Hades at least there is a cool breeze there! I don't even know how I got to spend eternity in Tartarus, I guess I should be flattered since everyone else here is...well...fit and a bit...uhm...scarey. I did happen to make a friend though. Yeah, I guess I am like "mom would be proud of me". Which she wouldn't, I mean look, I am in hell. She would probably think it was because I voted for Nader instead of Obama. Of course she also doesn't know I broke Hank McDogal's transformer in third grade and then blamed it on Alice Williams. For some reason I can't picture my new friend cyclopes being here for the same reason. I guess that is partially because I can't see him having friends and partially because I can't see him enjoying a toy that can transform from something cool and normal into a fighting machine, when he can't transform from an ugly fighting machine into ...well...anything. So I have been here for...oh...ever! Seriously that's what it seems like. There is nothing to do but sweat, and I don't mean from toiling. We do nothing, stand around, sit around, lay around. Every move we make is watched by Campe ( I think she has the hots for Cyclopes, ha ha ha...get it "the hots", like she is about to combust!) Ha- ah, at least life down here has given me a sense of humor, I never used to be funny before, though Cyclopes tells me I am still not funny, just delirious. I think he is just jealous because while he has Campe checking him out I have three Hecatonchires flirting with me. I try to act all suave about it, but really I am disturbed. These guys have 100 hands and 50 heads each, not real attractive. Although some of faces are more attractive then others, I can't get past the 100 hands. What if 49 of the heads like you and one doesn't? I could be choked...or what if only one likes you and 49 don't! It's just suicide! I do feel sorry for them though, I guess their parents sold them off to the builder of Tartarus (too many mouths to feed, ha ha ha). They were given instructions to make it impossible to escape... and well...they were really good architects! I do find it amusing though that Campe doesn't realise she is also imprisoned here. I am sure she is not getting a paycheck and even if she is, it's not like she can go to Starbucks, so what's the point! Although I do wonder how she got the fire resistant yarn. She made Cyclopes a fanny pack, which looks funny since he wears it naked. yeah, seriously, no one here but me wears clothes...and they wonder why they are freaks!
Ooh, that is the buzzer announcing a visitor. I hope it is not the kid again trying to get sponsors to go to Disney World. I mean what are parents thinking these days? Do they even know where their kids are? Oh- well, whoever it is is HUGE! Ha, that's funny, he has a name sticker that says "hello my name is"....must be a long one, it is really small....
"Will you release the one who goes by Cyclopes peacefully?" The big guy asks.
"Cyclopes? NO! Anyone but Cyclopes, take that scrawny one there instead!" With that he tazzered her! Cripes! I thought, he is going to take me and then eat me for a snack! I dove into Cyclopes fanny pack, which he wasn't wearing at the moment, and shivered (from a chill, but not a cold chill).
"You are free. Will you come with me and help fight the Titan giants?" up close I could read his name tag Zeusard William Kowosky III, which meant nothing to me.
"Zeus, good friend, that's elementary, you know I love a good fight!"
Zeus? Wow! should I crawl out and get an autograph...hm...my paper had all burst into flames upon arrival. I guess he could sign my chest, but then wouldn't I be mistaken for Zeus? When I looked back up they were both retreating and the Hecatonchires were moving in on me. Luckily the movement caught Zeusard's attention.
"Is that your fanny pack?" he asked Cyclopes.
"gad dads! Yes, thank you Zeus you always were a swell guy when you wanted something! AHH It seems to have gotten heavier, do you mind if we stop at the gym before the big fight?"
And that was how I escaped the underworld and the Hecatonchires.
Damn it's hot here! I am getting blisters just from standing! I really wished I was in Hades at least there is a cool breeze there! I don't even know how I got to spend eternity in Tartarus, I guess I should be flattered since everyone else here is...well...fit and a bit...uhm...scarey. I did happen to make a friend though. Yeah, I guess I am like "mom would be proud of me". Which she wouldn't, I mean look, I am in hell. She would probably think it was because I voted for Nader instead of Obama. Of course she also doesn't know I broke Hank McDogal's transformer in third grade and then blamed it on Alice Williams. For some reason I can't picture my new friend cyclopes being here for the same reason. I guess that is partially because I can't see him having friends and partially because I can't see him enjoying a toy that can transform from something cool and normal into a fighting machine, when he can't transform from an ugly fighting machine into ...well...anything. So I have been here for...oh...ever! Seriously that's what it seems like. There is nothing to do but sweat, and I don't mean from toiling. We do nothing, stand around, sit around, lay around. Every move we make is watched by Campe ( I think she has the hots for Cyclopes, ha ha ha...get it "the hots", like she is about to combust!) Ha- ah, at least life down here has given me a sense of humor, I never used to be funny before, though Cyclopes tells me I am still not funny, just delirious. I think he is just jealous because while he has Campe checking him out I have three Hecatonchires flirting with me. I try to act all suave about it, but really I am disturbed. These guys have 100 hands and 50 heads each, not real attractive. Although some of faces are more attractive then others, I can't get past the 100 hands. What if 49 of the heads like you and one doesn't? I could be choked...or what if only one likes you and 49 don't! It's just suicide! I do feel sorry for them though, I guess their parents sold them off to the builder of Tartarus (too many mouths to feed, ha ha ha). They were given instructions to make it impossible to escape... and well...they were really good architects! I do find it amusing though that Campe doesn't realise she is also imprisoned here. I am sure she is not getting a paycheck and even if she is, it's not like she can go to Starbucks, so what's the point! Although I do wonder how she got the fire resistant yarn. She made Cyclopes a fanny pack, which looks funny since he wears it naked. yeah, seriously, no one here but me wears clothes...and they wonder why they are freaks!
Ooh, that is the buzzer announcing a visitor. I hope it is not the kid again trying to get sponsors to go to Disney World. I mean what are parents thinking these days? Do they even know where their kids are? Oh- well, whoever it is is HUGE! Ha, that's funny, he has a name sticker that says "hello my name is"....must be a long one, it is really small....
"Will you release the one who goes by Cyclopes peacefully?" The big guy asks.
"Cyclopes? NO! Anyone but Cyclopes, take that scrawny one there instead!" With that he tazzered her! Cripes! I thought, he is going to take me and then eat me for a snack! I dove into Cyclopes fanny pack, which he wasn't wearing at the moment, and shivered (from a chill, but not a cold chill).
"You are free. Will you come with me and help fight the Titan giants?" up close I could read his name tag Zeusard William Kowosky III, which meant nothing to me.
"Zeus, good friend, that's elementary, you know I love a good fight!"
Zeus? Wow! should I crawl out and get an autograph...hm...my paper had all burst into flames upon arrival. I guess he could sign my chest, but then wouldn't I be mistaken for Zeus? When I looked back up they were both retreating and the Hecatonchires were moving in on me. Luckily the movement caught Zeusard's attention.
"Is that your fanny pack?" he asked Cyclopes.
"gad dads! Yes, thank you Zeus you always were a swell guy when you wanted something! AHH It seems to have gotten heavier, do you mind if we stop at the gym before the big fight?"
And that was how I escaped the underworld and the Hecatonchires.
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